Boogie Nights, NBA Style
The Dallas Mavericks Go Hollywood
By Matt Stroup
10/28/03
A good friend of mine recently spent over two years in Ukraine, working year-round as a Peace Corps volunteer in a small town called Oleksandriya. Now, I have never been to Oleksandriya, nor have I ever visited the Ukraine, but I do have a strong enough impression of the place to know that there isn't a great deal to do there.
My friend, who we will refer to as "Joe" hereto forth for simplicity's sake (also because it's his name), being one of the more enterprising people I know, found many interesting ways to pass his time when he wasn't teaching English to ungrateful Ukranian children. He started taking Karate lessons from a crazed man named Sergei who often subjected his students to incredibly long runs in the blistering cold. He also started a baseball club and taught a group of kids how to play the game, even commandeering a donation of equipment from a Pennsylvania Little League.
Another thing Joe did often was e-mail. Since, for the majority of his time there, he was the only English-speaking person in the entire town, his best means of having conversations in English was electronically.
One afternoon, while grinding out my job as a desk jockey at a large media conglomerate, I received an e-mail from Joe explaining that he had just watched a bootleg version of the Wesley Snipes film Blade, hot off the presses from a Ukranian bazaar.
In his e-mail, Joe went on to say that he had just come up with a game of sorts involving the movie. He had taken a number of our friends and odd acquaintances from college and cast them as certain characters from the film (an example of this: the character of Blade's mom was to be played by a strange girl we knew named Jana. Of course, you don't know who Jana is, so this isn't very helpful). Hopefully, you get the point. In some cases, the casting choices were obvious fits -- someone's personality just happened to perfectly match that of one of the characters in the movie. In other cases, it wasn't quite perfect, but it just made sense. The fun of the game was taking people we knew and picturing them acting out the lines in the movie.
Now, as basketball season prepares to kick off, with the Dallas Mavericks having recently completed a trade for former Celtics' forward Antoine Walker, there is no more raucous and wild cast of three-point gunning characters in the NBA than the Mavs. Think about it: with a lineup of Steve Nash, Michael Finley, Antawn Jamison, Antoine Walker and Dirk Nowitzki, this team is nothing short of out of control.
As I considered the Mavs, one of the most compelling bunch of characters in professional sports, a solitary thought kept going through my head: this team should be in a movie. My mind started to hum (I know, I should have that checked out), and I thought back to Joe's Blade game. It could easily be done with the Mavs, but it would have to be a movie with an ensemble cast worthy of the Mavs' loaded roster. Then, all of a sudden, it hit me:
The Mavs starring in Boogie Nights.
Think about it. Not only is Boogie Nights just a great all-around film with an incredible cast of characters, if you take a step back from it, there are some incredible similarities thematically to the Dallas Mavericks. Above all else, I'd say the biggest similarity is the fact that the Mavs, much like the members of Jack Horner's house, are completely and totally out of control -- there is a sense that nothing can reign in the madness and it will inevitably take over, which is, ultimately, the whole fun of it.
Now, without further ado, the casting call for the 2003-2004 Dallas Mavericks. Places, everybody...
Dirk Nowitzki is...Eddie Adams, a.k.a. Dirk Diggler
Okay, I thought I'd warm you up with an easy one. This one is pretty obvious, even if you look past the clear name similarities. In the film, Mark Wahlberg's character of Eddie Adams is discovered working as a busboy in a nightclub. From that complete obscurity he rises to glory, primarily because Jack Horner (played by Burt Reynolds) trusts his instinct and knows that he has something special on his hands.
By the same token, Nowitzki emerged from similarly modest beginnings, as he was discovered by Mavs' coach Don Nelson in Germany and reached stardom after Nelson took a chance on him, trading for him on the night of the 1998 NBA Draft. At the time, many people wondered what Nelson was thinking, trading Robert Traylor for Nowitzki, but all along he said Nowitzki would be a star. He was right.
Don Nelson is...Jack Horner
The man who truly runs the show in Dallas, or at least has some semblance of running it if it could be run at all, is Head Coach Don Nelson. Throughout it all -- ill-advised shots, porous half-court defense, Shawn Bradley being made to look silly time and again -- Don Nelson seems completely and totally unflappable. He's irrepressibly cool, as though nothing fazes him. It seems like the dude wasn't even sweating it when he had prostate cancer.
In addition to this, he's an innovator -- when the Mavs were terrible several years ago at the height of the Chicago Bulls' glory, Nelson once sent rarely-used forward Bubba Wells into the game with the express purpose of fouling Dennis Rodman, just to put the erratic Rodman at the free-throw line in the hopes that Rodman would miss lots of free throws so that the Mavs could get back into the game. Wells ended up fouling out of the game in about three minutes. Was it a brilliant move? Hardly. But you've got to give Nellie credit for being creative.
At the same time, similar qualities shine through for Jack Horner, the patriarchal filmmaker in Boogie Nights. Not only is Jack seemingly unfazed by anything (including people overdosing in his house), but he's an innovator as well. His ability to fuse two different genres in the line of "Brock Landers" films takes his filmmaking career to the next level. Just like Nelson, he's a risk-taker who isn't afraid to do something unusual to attain his goal.
Steve Nash is...Reed Rothchild
In all honesty, I was originally thinking of Michael Finley for the role of Reed Rothchild, Dirk Diggler's quirky sidekick. Then, in the course of refreshing my memory, I watched the scene in Boogie Nights where Dirk and Reed first meet at Jack's house (when they're talking at the bar by the pool), and I remembered what a complete and utter goofball Reed is. Immediately, I realized that this role was not meant for Michael Finley. Such goofiness could only be achieved by one man -- the lovably wild Canadian point guard with hair that won't quite admit it's a mullet. I'm talking, of course, about Steve Nash.
During the scene in question, as Dirk Diggler and Reed stand out by the pool comparing how much they can squat and bench-press, there is instantly a hilarious chemistry between them. Probably the top line in this scene comes when Reed, in an attempt to show off about how often he works out, says, "Hey, do you ever go to Vince's out here?" Then, a moment after asking, he quickly catches himself and says, "Oh, no, I would have seen you. I'm there every day."
Throughout this scene, they're both trying to play it as cool as possible but, ultimately, they both look silly. It's a perfect allegory for Nowitzki and Nash. They both carry themselves as if they are the hip and coolest Euro-dudes on the planet, their pseudo-mullets bounding up and down on their shoulders as they stride across the court. Beyond this image, though, is there any doubting that these two are total hayseeds? (Just for the record, I mean "hayseed" in the nicest way possible).
Mark Cuban is...Scottie J.
Casting Mark Cuban as Scottie (the lighting technician played by Philip Seymour-Hoffman) is a little bit complex for a number of reasons. If you've seen the movie, I'm sure you'll understand. Primarily, this is a complicated choice because, let's just say, Scottie likes Dirk Diggler "more than friends."
However, this is exactly why I've chosen Cuban to play the role of Scottie. This is not to say that I'm suggesting Mark Cuban is in love with his star player, Dirk Nowitzki, but there's no denying the fact that Cuban, just like Scottie J., so badly wants to be one of the guys it's almost sad. In the film, Scottie goes everywhere with Dirk and Reed, trying to wear the same clothes (which don't fit), and even buying a new sports car for the express purpose of impressing Dirk. If you watch a Mavs' game, Cuban is always sitting right behind the bench in a Mavs' hockey jersey, cheering like a maniac and high-fiving players during timeouts. He just can't get enough of it. Just like Scottie wants to be part of the crew, Cuban desperately wants to be a part of the team, which is pretty awkward to watch. You can tell that the players like him, but you get the sense at the same time that he's kind of like the kid in high school who had the cool house, the bad-ass car and a whole bunch of Sega games: yeah, you'll hang out with him because he's got cool stuff, but, ultimately, will you really tell anyone he's your friend?
And can't you just picture Cuban approaching Nowitzki at a Mavs' team function and saying, "Hey Dirk, did you see my new car?"
Shawn Bradley is...Little Bill
You may not immediately recognize the name of the character Little Bill even if you're a huge Boogie Nights fan, but once I explain it, you'll see that this one is a slam- dunk. In Boogie Nights, no one gets tooled worse than Little Bill, the cameraman played by William H. Macy. Everywhere the guy turns, his wife is cheating on him, often in very public settings. Throughout it all, he's completely helpless to do anything about it (until he finally snaps, but that's beside the point).
Now, think about how ridiculously sheepish Little Bill is, and just look at Shawn Bradley standing over there. See him act irritated, ornery and meek all at once. See him get dunked on and knocked to the ground time and again. Picture him acting out William H. Macy's lines. Shawn Bradley is Little Bill. There will be no debating this one.
Michael Finley is...Rollergirl
I purposely waited to reveal this one, because I thought that some of you might not have been ready for it before. Hopefully, by now, you understand that this isn't about gender or appearance; it's about the roles played in each respective environment.
And aside from the obvious differences between Mavs' swingman Michael Finley and film star Rollergirl, these two have a surprisingly similar style. Throughout the course of any given Mavs' game and throughout Boogie Nights, Finley and Rollergirl are always there, getting a great deal of "playing time," if you will, but they are often overshadowed by other people in the crowd. They're not quite in the foreground and they're not quite behind the scenes. Lurking somewhere in between, they play an integral part in the story but are quiet enough that you might forget about them.
Then, just when you had started to take them for granted, one of them bursts out and screams, "Here I am, world!" For Finley, this is usually in the form of a thunderous tomahawk dunk or burying a string of improbable fall-away jumpers. For Rollergirl, declaring her presence seems to involve either ripping off her clothes or smashing up someone's face with her roller-skates. Either way, you get the point.
Avery Johnson is...Maurice
Thank you, nerdy guy in the back with a clipboard, I'm well aware that Avery Johnson is no longer on the Mavs, but I couldn't resist including this. If you know Boogie Nights, you're aware that the character of Maurice, played by Luis Guzman, is constantly lobbying to be put into one of Jack Horner's movies. "Listen, Jack. I'm ready. I'm available," he says in one scene. "You put me in a movie, we're talking box office!"
Can't you just picture Avery Johnson sitting planted at the far end of the Mavs' bench during the past two years, patiently biding his time until he could wait no more, and finally unleashing in his bizarre southern drawl: "Listen, Don. I'm ready. I'm available. You put me in the game..."
Antoine Walker is...Todd Parker
And now, in a sense, we're back to where we started. This whole thing came about because, with the trade for Antoine Walker, the Mavs had seemingly burgeoned beyond the possible limit of talent and personality. 'Toine had ultimately pushed them over the top, and something had to be done.
Now, as you probably know, Boogie Nights is a classic trajectory movie: things start out somewhat calm and quiet and then pick up steam. There is a tangible peak of excitement, and then suddenly and dramatically the proverbial house of cards comes crashing down.
In Boogie Nights, the point where things turn sour can be directly traced to Todd Parker's arrival on the scene. The moment Todd appears on the scene, arriving at one of Jack's parties, he has a deeply diabolical look in his eye, as if his only coherent thought is, "How can I cause trouble here?" Before long, Todd befriends Dirk and Reed and immediately gets them caught up in the world of drugs and a rather shady and ill-conceived criminal scheme. The aforementioned house of cards quickly and decisively falls off the table.
Enter Antoine Walker, stage left. Do I really need to explain what I'm thinking here? If anyone could spoil a good thing, it's 'Toine, isn't it? I mean, the guy is obviously a talented player, but to say he's capable of combusting a team is like saying that Mr. Wizard does neat science experiments -- it's just obvious.
I love the Mavs as much as anyone, so it's not like I'm exactly rooting for it to happen. Personally, I hope that 'Toine comes in and plays the role the Mavs want him to play (Cuban has said he envisions Walker leading the league in triple-doubles). Walker is a good enough player to do it, too. You don't have to work too hard to picture him averaging 15 points, 7 rebounds and 6 assists per game, doing the dirty work and making his team better.
Then again, look closely as 'Toine prepares to hoist yet another step-back three, and see that Todd Parker-esque gleam in his eye:
Let's see...how can I cause trouble here?
Don't let me get you scared, Mavs' fans. In basketball, just as in the movies, it's the trouble that makes things interesting in the first place.
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