I once heard Christian Laettner described by a teammate as “The Cal Ripken of Spectravision.” If you need me to spell this out for you, I will. Cal Ripken played in 2,632 consecutive games, meaning he didn't miss a single one in 16 years. The Cal Ripken of Spectravision? He watches a movie every night, no matter what. Just as there was nothing that could keep Cal Ripken out of the starting lineup, there was believed to be nothing that could get Christian Laettner to leave his hotel room.
I’m bringing this up because Christian Laettner was recently suspended five games for violating the NBA’s substance abuse policy. Since the NBA’s agreement with the players' union is not to reveal what drug a player was taking, we don’t know exactly what led to Laettner's suspension, but from everything I've read, in the words of Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker, it appears as though Christian Laettner has been “using his papers not for writin’ but for rollin’ doobies.” Yes, by all accounts, it appears as though, in his 12th NBA season, Christian Laettner has decided to start toking up the happy green herb. There’s no telling how long Laettner might have been engaging in this activity before he got caught, but part of me really hopes that he just started recently. Before I give off the wrong impression, I'm not particularly concerned for Laettner's health or his well-being – as far as I'm concerned, NBA players are grown men (sort of), and they can make their own decisions. In truth, the reason I hope that Laettner only recently started smoking weed is that it makes his new look of long hair and a headband all the more funny. Have you seen Laettner recently? He looks like Willie Nelson, for crying out loud. I can just picture him sitting in his room in the midst of a Spectravision marathon and a cloud of ganja thinking, I should really start wearing a headband during games.
When you get right down to it, I’m mostly just happy to have something to write about Laettner in the first place. There really hasn’t been anything interesting to say about this guy since he hit that game-winning jumper against Kentucky in 1992.
Actually, the more I think about it, I'm pretty sure this is the happiest I’ve ever been about a drug-related suspension. I don’t mean at all to make light of or condone drug use, but let’s face it: Laettner’s image needed this. Before this incident, he may very well have been the most nondescript and boring athlete in pro sports. Now at least we know he has a pulse.
By the way, if it turns out Laettner failed the drug test just because he ate a bunch of poppy-seed bagels the day before and the whole thing was a mistake, don’t tell me about it.
Quite frankly, I’d rather not ruin my image of him.
