December 17, 2003
Fantasy Becomes Nightmare
Every so often, I'll be out somewhere with some friends and we'll come across some guys, approximately our age, who are talking about fantasy sports. My reaction, without fail, is always the same: I want to run and hide.
Before I lead you to any false conclusions, let me clear something up right away. I love fantasy sports. L-O-V-E. On many a morning (okay, truthfully, I should say, on every single morning of my life since I started playing fantasy baseball in 1997), I have attempted to check what my fantasy players did the night before if I didn't already know. If I'm away from the computer, I run for the nearest sports page, driving to the store if I have to. If I'm out in the wilderness, I'll commandeer a winged creature of some sort to fly back to civilization and find out the scores for me. In short, I have what we might call a "problem."
Now that you know where I'm coming from, let me say this: there is nothing, repeat: nothing that sounds more ridiculous than two or more guys standing around talking about fantasy sports. Every time I hear other people talking about who they just traded for in time for a big game, or who they should have had in their lineup, I can only think one thought: Is this how ridiculous I sound when I talk about this stuff? The answer is undoubtedly yes. I know it because I've been told it's so many times over, yet I can't stop. Any time I encounter one of my friends who's in a fantasy league of mine, it's one of the first topics I bring up: HOLYCRAPDUDEDIDYOU SEE WHAT RON ARTEST DID LAST NIGHT? I might as well walk directly up to my friend in public and start rolling a twenty-sided die, because it's basically just as nerdy to talk about fantasy sports in public as it is to bust out into a game of Dungeons and Dragons right on the street corner. I think people assume that because the subject matter has to do with sports, it's cool, even tough, to talk about your fantasy teams in a bar or wherever. I promise, it is not. If you are having trouble believing me and think that you actually do sound cool when you're telling your buddy how you should have benched Kerry Collins but just "loved his matchup," just keep your ears out and listen to the other jokers around you. Hell, listen to yourself for that matter.
Fellas, we've got to make a pact, here and now. Just as we don't advertise all of our other embarrassing behaviors in public, we've got to all make an effort to stop unabashedly advertising the latest goings on with our fantasy teams. We all played with He-Man, GI Joes or Transformers back in the day, and maybe some of us kept playing with them when we were a little too old to do so, but we sure weren't talking about it any place where we might get caught. Fantasy sports, like it or not, are basically GI Joes for adults. There's no shame in playing, just please, don't remind me what a dork I am.
-Matt Stroup
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