Can I Assk You a Question?
September 27, 2004
There are so many different parts to the NFL player’s uniform – helmets, shoulderpads, cleats, jersey, mouthguard – it’s a wonder that there aren’t more issues with equipment. Players rarely seem to misplace their helmets, tear a hole in their jersey, or crack their shoulderpads.
However, on Sunday, I encountered perhaps the most glaring equipment issue I’ve ever seen. With just under four minutes left in the Eagles-Lions game, Lions’ quarterback Joey Harrington fumbled the ball, and Detroit promptly recovered. After the proverbial dust had settled, players were picking themselves up off the turf and preparing to walk back to their respective huddles. It was then that I saw it – Lions’ center Damien Woody was standing with his back to the television camera. Essentially the only player captured on camera, Woody stood there as though he didn’t have a care in the world. The problem was, in reality, there was something he should have been quite concerned about. As my eyes reluctantly panned downward from the name "Woody" on the back of his jersey, I saw it: in the scrum, apparently his pants had been yanked down, and his bare ass was on display for the whole world to see.
Slightly foggy after a late Saturday night, I found myself wondering if the image I had seen was a hallucination. Did my eyes deceive me? I thought. Did I really just see what I thought I saw? Making matters even more surreal, no one seemed to be acknowledging it. Woody wasn’t frantically trying to pull up his pants, and the TV announcers made no mention of the giant ass on the screen (the latter is quite understandable; no need to frighten the children by telling them there’s a monster in the closet if it’s not going to do them any harm. Note to self: that was a weird analogy). But I digress. Despite my own doubts, there was no mistaking what I saw – I’m not a professional photographer, but this was clearly a case of “double exposure.” And much as I hate to say it, I've seen an abundance of this sort of thing in my day. When I was growing up, there was a painter named Harold who used to do work on my parents’ house, and he frequently put his plumber’s crack on display when he bent down to get a new brush or pick something up off the ground. It was an endless source of entertainment for me and my older sister – like that old Dan Akroyd refrigerator repairman skit on Saturday Night Live.
Seeing Damien Woody’s ass, however, was nothing short of terrifying. Let me just clarify – this was not just a tad bit of butt crack exposed atop the waistband. You thought Janet Jackson’s nipple exposure at the Super Bowl was frightening? This, my friends, was the ultimate wardrobe malfunction.
In the hours since that shocking moment, I have asked myself time and again how something like this happens to a professional athlete, and the only answer I can come up with is: Damien Woody wasn’t wearing any underwear, and he full well knew it when he stepped out onto the field of play.
One of the great things about sports is that in the blink of an eye, they can alter our emotional state in a completely unexpected way.
In this case, it was my failure to blink that changed everything...
-Matt Stroup 
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