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Vlad the Impaled

By Matt Stroup

7/29/03

I can hear it today as clear as ever, even though it was over a decade ago: the Charlotte Hornets' public address announcer, sounding like a crazed and demented version of Ricky Ricardo (is that redundant?), screaming out the two prolonged initials:

"ELLLLLLLLLL-JAAAAAAAAYYYY!"

Of course, his excitement was usually brought on by a thunderous Larry Johnson dunk, so I suppose it's understandable.

Remember that guy? No, not the PA announcer, I'm talking about Larry Johnson. Of course you remember him with the Knicks, but do you remember him with the Hornets? A man-child. A 6-4 power forward (LJ was always listed as 6-7 or 6-8 but I once heard Charles Barkley say that both he and LJ were 6-4) and a dunking machine. LJ was such a badass that Converse dressed him up as "Grandmama" and he still looked tough as hell. I distinctly remember one of those commercials when he is mocking people for shooting fadeaways, the idea being that you don't need one when you can jump over people and dunk on them.

Then, along came the herniated disc in his back, and everything changed. LJ went from "Grandmama" to Grandma almost instantly. He suddenly aged about 15 basketball years -- he barely could elevate, and his high-wire act became a set-shooting clinic. Granted, he remained a serviceable player, but I don't think that when he was signed to a 12 year, 84 million dollar contract anyone envisioned that by year nine he would have aged so dramatically that he had to retire at age 32.

Now, sadly, it seems as though the same thing could be happening to Expos' star right fielder Vladimir Guerrero, who recently returned to the field after missing 50 games with the same injury that wrecked LJ's career.

After watching the majority of the Expos' three-game series with Atlanta this weekend, I have only this to say: Vlad the Impaler looks like he got stabbed in the back. He runs like he's worried that he's going to make a mess in his pants if he goes too fast, wincing in pain with almost every stride. The once out of control train-off-the-track on the basepaths is now a kiddie caboose.

He's also shown an LJ-esque decline in athleticism. In Saturday's game, he misplayed a Javy Lopez flare to right field, coming in too far on it before realizing it was going to bounce over his head. When he attempted to jump up to grab the high bounce, he could barely elevate, and then he went waddling after the ball practically dragging his hindquarters like a seal.

Now, I'm not a doctor, but I saw what happened to LJ, and frankly, I'm worried that one of baseball's real stars could be in danger of sadly and suddenly putting his peak years behind him. I suppose it's possible that he's just coming back from his injury too fast to help his team, but if you watched him this weekend, you could see that he had no business being on the field.

Let's hope that the 502 foot homer he blasted off of Mike Hampton yesterday is a sign that he's back, so to speak, but don't forget that LJ scored over 20 a game that first year after surgery.

I'm sure that Yankee Stadium grass will be much better for his back next year.

I suppose I can save that rant for another day.

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